How Not Live In Wedded Bliss
This week Mr. Man and I celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary. We’ve had our share of trials and successes. We’ve been very blessed and our love…and patience for each other…has only grown. BUT, we don’t live in wedded bliss. In my opinion, wedded bliss ends within the first 2 years of a marriage, then the hard stuff begins. Instead of striving for constant wedded bliss…Mr. Man and I have a joyful marriage. I love him deeply and couldn’t see my life without him. He is a wonderful husband and an amazing father to the amigos. He is thoughtful and kind. He makes me laugh at least a few times each day and he always kisses me before he leaves to go anywhere. He is my best friend and the person I want to be with for all of eternity.
Marriage takes work. A couple doesn’t naturally mesh well together all of the time. I once heard a friend say ‘between my husband and I we are 100%, sometimes I am having a hard time and I’m at 20% so he picks up the slack and meets me at 80%. Other times he needs extra support so I pick up the slack. But we always make up the for what we each need.’ I loved that because there have been many, many instances where I haven’t been able to meet Mr. Man half way and vice versa. The key is to constantly support each other and communicate so you can meet each other to make your marriage 100% together.
Our marriage is far from perfect, we fight, we disagree, he grates on my nerves and I get under his skin. It drives me nuts that he doesn’t always wipe the counters down before he vacuums; but I learned over a decade ago that if I nitpick at everything he does (especially if he is attempting to help or serve me in some way) it will not only ruin his attempts, but he will be less likely to help again if I am constantly telling him he’s doing it wrong. While we haven’t been married for decades, we do have experience in what and what not to do to help a marriage flourish.
- Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy. Even if you think that the truth harms more than helps if you can’t trust each other then you won’t get far.
- It’s been said that you shouldn’t go to bed mad…I am here to say, it’s TOTALLY ok to go to bed mad. Sometimes you can’t just bounce back from a disagreement, sometimes you need time, sometimes the disagreement occurred in the first place because you were sleep deprived and/or hangry. Instead of trying to fix the situation before you go to bed, my rule of thumb is to not leave for work/school/etc until you have resolved things. While I realize this can’t solve every fight, I have found that resentment grows as physical distance grows.
- Date your spouse. Just because y’all are now married doesn’t mean that the romance has to die. And when I say date…I mean date! Don’t just assume that because you two watch a show or two sitting on the couch next to each every night after kids go to bed; that you don’t need to woo your spouse.
- Attempt spontaneity occasionally. Bring her flowers just because, surprise him with his favorite candy bar/ice cream/treat, take a staycation for a weekend without kiddos. One day your children will be grown and have families of their own and the last thing you want is to look at each other and wonder why y’all ever decided to get married in the first place.
- Understand that men are fixers and women and venters…(usually). If you vent to your husband he will want to fix your problems. Husbands if you wife vents to you, they don’t want you to fix it, they want you to hand her some Ben & Jerry’s, listen, dry her tears and when she is finished tell her she is beautiful, or that she’s the one who’s right, or that everything will be fine.
- Keep some mystery for yourself…you may be married, your husband may have watched you birth your children, your wife may have nursed you back to health after you had a horrible bought with food poisoning. That DOES NOT mean you should leave the bathroom door open while you pee or poo. Yes…I know, everybody poops. My mother-in-law sent my boys a book specifically about how everybody poops. That does not mean I want to brush my teeth at the sink right next to you sitting on the toilet making it smell to high heaven. ALSO…farting for the sake of farting in front of your spouse is NOT cool. I don’t care what MollyAnn says…farting in front of your spouse does not mean you love them. In fact, in 15 years of marriage, Mr. Man has NEVER farted in front of me.
- Make big decisions together. I know not every situation can fall under this, I have several friends who had to buy/sell vehicles and houses while their spouse was deployed and unavailable. I don’t care if you each have a good career, I don’t care if you have separate bank accounts. If you include each other in major decisions (especially ones that involve money), your marriage will be a happier one.
- Taken an interest in each others’ hobbies. You don’t have to like every single thing your spouse likes, just find some common ground. Mr. Man likes to go hiking and camping. I’m not a huge fan of camping, but I love to hike. We hike as a family at least once a month, sometimes more.
- Your way isn’t the right way, neither is their way. Instead of dwelling on the little fact that he didn’t put the dishes in the dishwasher the way you do, be appreciative of the fact that he is doing the dishes. When Mr. Man and I were first married if he didn’t make the bed the way I liked it I would get upset. If he didn’t clean the bathroom the way I did, I would get after him. After several months of him putting up with my neuroses, he finally told me how much it hurt his feelings when I got after him for doing something that wasn’t the way I wanted it done. He told me that when I corrected him, it caused him to not want to do things for me at all.
Marriage is a give a take relationship, and while it isn’t always a 50/50 give and take, the average should be. Giving service to your spouse should be a #1 priority most of the time. If you are thinking about how to help your spouse more than how to help yourself then you will always have a successful, or rather, JOYFUL marriage.
What is something you always do for your spouse to show them you love them? …appropriate answers only ;). Do you and your spouse have a list of do’s and don’ts that help your relationship to be successful? Hope y’all are having an amazing week!
